a quick poll...a mom's number one job is ????

here's the results ...

almost without exception moms and dad's view number one thing was provide unconditional love.

more to follow

so what should I do if I'm feeling p****d off?

the answer is probably do something you like doing until the feeling wears off.

But the problem is, when I'm feeling this way I think I have to change something.
And then I want to change something big, something worthwhile.

And then I'm either stuck because I'm daunted by something big and don't think I can manage the challenge or I make a start and after a while (my usual time is about 4 days) I can't sustain the new direction.

I probably can't sustain the new direction because it's not giving me any more satisfaction than the old one. Which means I'm changing the wrong thing. And this is a big worry to me because why change from a OK me into a new thing that doesn't work if it's forever. Better the devil I know type of thing. Which leads me back to the worthwhile thing.

New idea - if I have to make a change....then I'm going make a change about something small. something that will change the quality of my life. I'm going to change something small that is annoying me, something that's just niggling at me. In this way the change is done, doesn't have to be sustained unless it seems to give something back.

All that said - it is worth putting a time boundary on even the small changes. Do this in 5 minutes. Do this for 3 days this week. Do this for a month. If I don't do this then I don't do things because I have all the time in the world. And I'm not committing to forever if things aren't working. If things do work and become part of life all for the better.

Adios self development stress.

a little poll... if only I knew how to ???? I'd be a much happier parent

The result of a quick poll from coaching cafe members (I thank you)...

I'd be a much happier parent if I knew how to...

1. not be frustrated with the repetitive day to day requests.
2. face and resolve emotional issues - for myself and in my children
3. take time for myself

By far the most replies fall into the first category... not feel frustrated with the day in day out repetition... they were phrased as "get my children to listen", "be more patient", "stop shouting", "recognise the consistency in my children".
What can we do here? I admit this too is the biggest issue (currently) for me as a parent...I feel as if I am talking to myself some of the time....ever heard yourself say (or remember your mother say) "I should make a recording of myself saying this!"

My number one tip is to make the repetition as much fun for yourself as you can. Vary how you are saying whatever it is. Hand signals, a different language, a whisper, a shout, a made up language with the right intonation, saying it backwards, total silence and motionlessness, the biggest hug and a kiss. If nothing else it relieves the boredom of the repetition for me and sometimes stops my kid in her tracks. If it's a doing thing maybe race your kids to the next action, or challenge them by a go really really slow game, maybe commentate their actions as if it were a sporting event.

Wanna think out your options? email me

my dogs are a barometer for my anger founded emotions

I've heard this saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" many times and thought yeah that's so true..but I don't do that....and then I really thought about and realised that even when I keep a lid on my emotions and think they aren't showing this does happen.

For example, I'm walking my daughter to school and decide one of the dogs would like it to. After getting three of us ready to go out the door, we were on time and now we are late. So I think OK we'll just walk quicker. We do walk quicker. We stop for a interesting rock. We stop for a poo (that's the dog not me or my daughter). We fall flat on our face (that's my daughter's too big new shoes). The dog is pulling and whining and barking all the way. Eventually we get to school and my daughter goes in; everything's fine. We turn around and it's like I have a different dog with me. He is calm, he walks by my side, he doesn't make a sound. I think why couldn't you have been like this on the way here. Then I get it , I realise his walker (me) is a different person now we've made our deadline. My shoulders are relaxed, my breathing is normal.... he knows it...now I know it too!


read more about being human whilst being a mom from the moms coach

Who is more fun to be around? … Someone who is having fun or someone who is all grown up?

Ok, this isn’t really a question to be answered; we all know the answer, but recently I realized it was something worth thinking about. I am sure somewhere in my past it wasn’t so difficult to find time to have fun and be fun. A couple of weeks ago in my life coaching class I had a moment of clarity about my attitude to fun. I found I had made rules for myself about when I was allowed to have fun. Shockingly it wasn’t just me who’d done this, loads of other people seem to be doing it too. Go on, I dare you, ask yourself – what are your rules about fun?

Do you think of fun as time off, or too frivolous? Is there no time for fun until the many responsibilities, errands and chores are done first? Maybe fun is reserved for times when no-one is looking because, heaven forbid, fun might involve being silly! Perhaps like many others (apparently men do this a lot) fun is what happens on vacation. And here’s an idea for women, fun can only happen when everyone else’s needs are taken care of – right, that’s really never ever, ever, gonna happen! Even just taking the last two rules together and applying them to an annual 2 week vacation with your kids would mean you get maybe 14 hours of fun a year – THAT CAN’T BE RIGHT!

And that leads us back to the question: if you’re not having any fun, are you fun to be around?

So, here I am at the parent participation day of my kid’s gym class. I’ve been through 9 weeks of helping out – watching her perform fantastic feats of being upside down and providing “oohs” and “ahhs” and cheers in all (OK most of) the right places. Her fun is fun to watch. And then it happened, the very moment she’d effortlessly unwound herself from hanging upside down on the asymmetric bars (you know the position, the one where your hands and feet are on the bar in the same place and your body looks like the letter ‘U’ ). Her words rang out clear, and a little too loudly, “Go on mummy, your go”. They seemed to echo round my head forever. Well what could I do… (after glancing round the room to check no-one was watching) I had a go. And do you know what? It was fun! My inner child (although not my middle-aged body) thanked me for letting her go on gym equipment she’d never been allowed on. My dismount was not as elegant as my daughter’s, but hey – she’s a bendy kid! Anyhow, as the music from the Jungle Book “Wa’na Be Like You” bounced around my mind I caught sight of one of dads upside down on the bars too…I swear he’d the biggest smile on his face!

Maybe fun is infectious. Is infectiousness enough to get us to break our own rules? Rules are there to be broken, right?! So, the next time you are not sure whether you could have fun, ask yourself “if this were someone else, would I stop them from having fun in their life?!”

Join the moms and stay at home dads coach at www.independent-thought.com

Questions from a mom on the run - rescuing quality time

Family quality time is the best. It helps our families bond, talk, share but sometimes family quality time isn’t all that. Can quality time go bad?

So here’s me on the ski slopes at a local ski hill, husband and 3 year old in tow, this is quality family time, right? Not for me, not today.

I'm trying to help a 3 year old who keeps stopping and refusing help from a proffered ski pole. Still a novice myself I ski behind her, skis cross, grumbles and cries are uttered; we land in a heap. I’m left wondering if my body isn’t just too old to do the splits! Then my hubby guides us onto a slightly steeper run and through stubborn shouts of "I can't do it" which we both know are shouts of "I won't do it because I'm scared to try" I take both our lives in my hands and ski downhill with her between my legs singing "we pizza to the left, we pizza to the right" to hide my own fear. All the while I'm thinking, "this isn't fun".

So, by the end of the run who’s having the tantrum? That’s right - it’s me. The clocks have sprung forward, I’m tired, in pain and an all round grumpy mama. My husband sends me for a timeout! What a man, he knows the cure: a decaf latté in the sun, breeze on my face, ski boots off my feet, carrot cake in mouth and no-one else to consider. Works a treat. 30 minutes later, after hubby and 3 year old have whizzed down from the chairlift, with their best run ever. It seems all I needed was time to breathe and I’m fit again.

Quality time saved.

If you're feeling a bit depressed it might be evolution giving you a sign

An recent article in the Los Angeles Times
http://www.latimes.com/features/health
/la-he-evpsych12feb12,0,1620329,full.story?coll=la-home-health
describes how depressions of all kinds are getting looked at from an evolutionary perspective.

One of the ideas is that when we start to feel depressed it is the social aspect of our evolution calling out for attention. It seems that we may actually be trying to get more attention from those who we want to care about us.

So the next time, mom, mum, mother and general good woman, that you feel down, think about why you are feeling that way. Maybe evolution is giving you a big red flag to wave and it's your duty to wave it. then I guess you couldd think about why you're waving it! Can you identify what's going on to make you feel down? Can you find the words to describe it to a loved one? Do you need a loved one to hear you? It's got to be worth a try next time it all seems too much.

Read more about moms being mums and mothers at independent thought

it's ok to get it wrong some of the time

so there I am, satisfied that I have coached a dear friend well. We talked about the need for assertive calm communication with our partners and our ability to put oneself in another's shoes to make communication more successful...

...and then the very next day...

I find myself yelling with maximum irritation "what are you doing" when my nearest and dearest is putting on a load of laundry. I swear he flinched - not the clear calm communication I had in mind!

Looking at it from his viewpoint he was of course being responsible, responding to a need to have something washed without asking me to do it. He was doing it immediately because he know he'd forget if he didn't. Perfectly reasonable...I could have been pleased at this proactive thought but no!

Why did I rile me so? Well, it's my job and he broke my system for doing the laundry. That coupled with an insuffcient sorting (some lights getting in with the dark colours; and some items not getting in the wash at all) and oh yes the washer stealing the water from the shower I was about the step into!

But as my freshly coached friend pointed out it's ok to get it wrong some of the time...hmmm him or me!

read more about our super mom tendencies and communicating with our loved ones at www.independent-thought.com/resources